I just finished up the first week of my 100-city tour and I’m feeling pretty great.
A lot of people thought I was crazy to tour Michigan in January, including my wife, parents, and strangers, but I knew it was the smart thing to do. Fortunately my brother Joe rented us a giant SUV equipped with 2-wheel drive. That means two wheels could spin on black ice while at the same time the other two wheels could remain locked while sliding sideways over the black ice. And as we spun out through intersections and got stuck in Rite Aid parking lots across the state of Michigan, we enjoyed more rear headroom than most comparably equipped vehicles in our class. Plus, with my headphones on in the back, I could barely hear Joe crying and swearing as he drove.
Stop 1: Traverse City – it’s a strange sign when you’re driving to a remote location and NO ONE ELSE is driving in that direction. On the way in to Traverse City my brother Joe and I started to worry that this was some kind of setup. That we’d show up in this small town and there’d just be a couple guys in a pickup truck laughing at us, and then they’d smother us in blankets and throw us into one of those ice-fishing holes. Like instead of cow-tipping their thing is comedian-dunking.
Stop 2: East Lansing – Word to the wise, don’t say the word “Michigan” when in East Lansing – which is strange because East Lansing is in Michigan. You gotta say, “I love state,” so there’s no confusion with another university that may also exist in Michigan. Another word to the wise, visit their MAC Fitness Center because there’s a bar and restaurant in the middle of it. I ate chicken fingers while people all around me played basketball and tennis. It was the greatest workout of my life. Every gym should have a chicken finger machine. All that place needs is a few Xboxes and a hookah lounge and it would be the best gym ever.
Stop 3: Royal Oak, Michigan – Do yourself a favor, if you’re ever in this town stop by the Red Coat Tavern and enjoy an authentic British-style hamburger, something that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the world! My only objection was that this place somehow glorifies the army we defeated in the Revolutionary War. Hey Michigan, you know the Red Coats were the other guys, right? Just checkin’.
Stop 4: Louisville: That Brown Theater is gorgeous and then after the show I hustled off to play with the basketball squad to defeat UConn. Great day overall, though it was strange that the tickets said another venue on them, causing much well-documented lateness.
Next stop: Salt Lake City: TONIGHT! It’ll be an awesome test to see how well a show called Thank God for Jokes does in a town that brought us the Bible, part 3! I just hope they are equally into jokes. Order tickets now, there are just a few left!
And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.
See you around the building!
Check out all of my upcoming “Thank God For Jokes” tour dates at birbigs.com/tourdates